An “I feel” message lets children know exactly how their behavior affects you. It is another helpful communication tool. If you use an “I feel” message, children are less likely to feel attacked and more likely to listen, and change their behavior. A “You” message (“You are so lazy,” or “When are you going to get better grades?”) will usually cause a child to argue or talk back. Some examples of “I feel” messages would be “I don’t like being ignored,” or “I feel angry when the house is a mess.” If you are tired of children who whine, try getting them to use “I feel” messages.
“I feel” messages are less useful between child peers because the adult-sounding language may “set up” a child for teasing or bullying. Children will get along with their friends and siblings if they communicate their own feelings in their own language style and in a way that doesn’t blame the other person.
“I feel” messages are not meant to replace the way your family communicates; rather, these are additional tools that can help children understand that language can be used in a non-blaming way to express feelings. They take time and practice and may feel unnatural at first.
Homework:
Rewrite each of the following statements as an “I feel” message:
You never do your chores.
-
I feel _____ when_________.
2. Why do I always get these calls from your teacher about your bad behavior?
I feel _____ when _________.
3. Your attitude is terrible.
I feel _____ when _________.
Can you think of ways you might use “I feel” messages in your home (including times when you might not say the exact words “I feel”)?